I’ve always said that I could write a book about procrastination, but I’m to busy procrastinating to get it started, and finished! Seriously I was meant to write this blog last weekend but somehow didn’t. What did I do instead? I have no idea! Oh, I did add some photos of my paintings to a Facebook craft fair album and I planned out the colour of the week notes. So, I wasn’t 100% idle.
So, I’ve been thinking, why do I procrastinate? I know what
I want to do, write a book, paint, create a deck of oracle cards, so why do I
then sit on the sofa scrolling through social media and do daft personality
tests such as “What crystal are you?” or “Would you survive in a horror film?”.
The answers to which are Jasper and yes, I would survive. Good to know.
On honest reflection I believe I stop myself because of
imposter syndrome. Deep down I have the belief that my art and writing aren’t
good enough. Especially my writing. I’ve sold paintings online and at craft
fairs over the years, so the little voice asking, “why are you bothering?” has
begun to be more silent in that respect. But writing. That voice is still there
loud and clear.
“But you’re not a good writer.”
“What have you got to say that anyone will be interested
in?”
“Who do you think you are? JK Rowling, Shakespeare?”
“Who’s going to read it?”
Thanks to my lovely inner critic I decided to investigate
where these thoughts/beliefs came from, I wasn’t born with them, so I picked
them up along this journey of life somewhere.
I was always that pupil at school who use to fill her
English books with poems and short stories. I was lucky to have English
teachers who didn’t mind this, (shout out to Mr. Mayne and Mrs. Osman) saying
they would leave my book till last when marking so they could relax and read at
the end of the day. I welcomed the constructive feedback they gave “describe
the atmosphere more here.” “I want to know this character’s back story.” It was
massive help in my learning and a great introduction to the world of
re-drafting.
Therefore, I’m still not sure where the negative thoughts
come from. In my quest to delve deeper I came across a Tarot spread looking at
creative blocks. Out came the cards to give it a go. The following is what I
got.
Card 1 - My ideal creative self. 8 of Wands. I want to be someone who just goes for it, letting inspiration guide me, trusting the path and process. Someone who steps forward confidently. It’s a red card, so I want to be someone who is secure in their ability and knowledge.
Card 2 - My creative block. 3 of Swords. A lack of
confidence, beating myself up and not feeling good enough, so self-sabotage.
Why start at all? Holding on to past hurts and negativity. It’s yellow so I’m
lacking confidence to just go for it.
Card 3 - Past influences/beliefs. Knight of Swords. I’m over thinking it so not starting at all, or I rush in without thinking first and end up then asking myself “what is this?” Harsh comments from the past are possibly still lingering deep down as well. A blue card so I’m not fully speaking my truth due to self-doubt. What do I want to say?
Card 4 - Fears about the future. 10 of Wands. Am I good
enough? Imposter syndrome! Hello again. Also, a fear of success, where will it
take me? Yellow, again a fear of not being good enough, but also change. By
being more authentic and having the guts to jump in saying sod it, I no longer
care what others think, what will I evolve into?
Card 6 - What I must leave behind. Queen of Cups. Feelings
of past hurts need to be let go. Also don’t be so emotional about it, as for me
this leads to over thinking. When I over think I don’t start creating at all. Indigo.
Let go of not trusting myself and my intuition. When given ideas act on them
rather than worry whether I can do it.
Card 7 - What I must embrace to reclaim my creative power. The World. Believe that I can do it, I have all the skills and knowledge I need and I’m worthy. I’m already enough. This card has all the colours, so this is being balanced. Get myself into positive alignment and just start.
Thank you, Tarot, for that insight.
So, in answer to my inner critic!
“But you’re not a good writer.” I’m aware of my limitations,
I don’t have a huge vocabulary range for example and grammar Nazi’s can sometimes
have a field day with me. But the best thing about this is I know what my
limitations are so I can keep improving. The more I create the better I’ll
become.
“What have you got to say that anyone will be interested
in?” Who knows? I’m just having fun here, if others like it great, if not
that’s fine.
“Who do you think you are? JK Rowling, Shakespeare?” Na, I write totally different to them. I also
don’t paint like Van Gogh or Picasso. I paint and write as Keeley. It’s not everyone’s
taste but then Shakespeare and JK Rowling aren’t everyone’s taste either, so
there’s no issue.
“Who’s going to read it?”
No idea! Perhaps someone will stumble upon it and think this is
interesting and perhaps another will move by thinking this isn’t for me. Both
are fine. It will be found by whoever needs it. Perhaps my old English teachers
will stumble across it and smile knowing they made a difference to a child.
Perhaps no one, and that’s fine too, I’m still going to enjoy creating!
I’ve also stumbled across a course on www.dailyom.com called Discover Your Creative
Writing Compass. This has so far given me a lot of insight and I’m only on
lesson two. I’ll tell you more about how it’s going in the future.
Having already begun to change my way of thinking, I’m going to become that young girl again who would fill her English book with random stories and poems, simply because she enjoyed it. Where it takes me? Who knows, the mystery is going to be an enjoyable part of the journey.
