The Jump! - The Fool to the Hanged Man

“It doesn’t look as bad as I thought.” She tried to tell herself. She wasn’t convincing anyone, 160ft is 160ft no matter how much you try to tell yourself it isn’t.

Looking back, the events of the day are already a blur due to me disassociating for a lot of it, so I have to say a huge thanks to my friends who came along and filmed/photographed my terrifying experience!

It wasn’t until hours after the jump and I was safely sat on my friends’ sofa tucking into Chinese and guzzling wine that it dawned on me, the bungee jump could be a metaphor for my critical illness journey. What? I know…bear with me. Let me explain and take you through it in stages.

On arrival I didn’t feel too bad, my stomach was in knots as can be expected but despite knowing what I was about to do I felt okay.

Then I saw the crane.

It’s about this time I tried to convince myself that it doesn’t look as bad as I thought. Yeah right! So in metaphor land, the crane was me noticing my first symptoms. Trying to act all relaxed but thinking “What the hell??” Filling the agreement and insurance form in during registration was tricky due to my hands now shaking. Those who read my earlier piece about living with Hypothyroidism will possibly remember one of my first symptoms was hand tremors. So it was quite apt that this was also my first visible symptom of fear.

The hand tremors increased the closer I got to the front of the queue, my legs decided to join in as well as they felt left out. The logical side of my brain was watching everyone else jumping before me and kindly still trying to convince me “it doesn’t look too bad, you’re safe, and it will be over in another ten minutes” etc. etc. The emotional side had disassociated by now and we were no longer on speaking terms. Finally, I’m at the front of the queue, it’s me next. I have the harness around my ankles, a back-up around my waist and suddenly I feel calm. This is the calm before the storm, it’s all suddenly surreal and dream-like.

Sitting in the cage I’m aware that Dan (staff)  is speaking to me and I sort of recall what he’s saying but I couldn’t give you a word by word transcript. The cage begins its ascent. This is the stage of my journey where I’m having tests and blood is being drawn from me like the vampire population have a shortage. This is the stage of not knowing, something is definitely wrong but what?

I’m aware Dan is still speaking to me; logical brain is sort of paying attention but is now also not on speaking terms with me. Emotional brain currently hates me and is observing how angry, amazing the wind sounds up here. Even the elements are telling me I’m crazy!

I was trying to remember the advice from one of my favourite bands, Artmagic, when they sing ‘Don’t look up, don’t look down’ but failed. My eyes involuntarily flicked down. Oh dear, breathe, remember to breathe! It sounds like a cliché but as I stepped up to the edge everything happened in slow motion, it was a suspended (no pun intended) reality. I can’t recall experiencing disassociation before and it’s an odd thing to describe. Words that come to mind are surreal, numb, emotionless, and empty. It wasn’t me who stood on that edge and let themselves drop, no idea who it was but I wasn’t there at this point. So in my journey metaphor, this is the doctor giving me the test results and me being stunned with the news that I now have a critical illness for life. I was numb, had no idea what was really going on, what did it mean? All I could do was trust and let myself free fall. This is what I did.

Oh my god! That was the fastest I have ever travelled! The video doesn’t do the height or the speed of the fall justice.  I never want to go that fast again. I was brave and kept my eyes open, the sight of people below getting bigger and the ground hurtling towards me was suddenly halted as the cord grabbed me, stopped my decent and bounced me back into the air again. A brief moment of relief that disappeared as I blinked, I was falling again. The world spun around fast as I bounced up and down for what felt like an eternity. The fall fits in with getting diagnosed. I had to trust, let it take me where it wanted to, I wasn’t in control my thyroid and the doctors were. I had no idea what was going on, what was happening and where I would end up. The journey was by no means over.

“Please be over, please be over, let it end” are words I was thinking, whether they came from logical or emotional brain I can’t tell you. Probably both!  I still felt numb, empty and was still experiencing the process in a trance. Suddenly everything slowed down, I and everything around me was silent and still.

A hand. I saw a hand! I instinctively reached for it and suddenly the grounds staff had me! As I was being lowered onto the safety mat and they began to un-hock me the sounds gradually crept back in, the whirring of the crane, the music from the registration/photo tent, people talking, a lovely member of staff telling me I was great, relax, it’s all done now. Not the wind, the wind had given up screaming at me as I dropped off the platform. I’m aware I have to move along for the next person to land, even though the staff told me I was allowed to lie there as long as I needed. Logical brain was back and saying just move! So I got myself up, thanked the staff and went shakily to find my photos with my friends who were beaming at me. Emotional brain still had her back to me.

Metaphorically this bit of the journey is when I discovered I wasn’t alone. As I looked into my illness by reading books and online searches, I came across Thyroid UK, Facebook groups, Twitter pages and bloggers. This was the relief that there are those who went before me and landed and there will be ones who fall after me. We’re all in this together.

So back on the ground and a few minutes have passed. It did take a while for me to be fully back in my body, I had to sit down and compose myself. I’m aware I was babbling to my friends, like before I can’t tell you what I was saying! Logical brain was back in control as I went to get the photos and t-shirt. The photos aren’t my most majestic and don’t think they’ll use them on publicity posters!

This is where I am now. I’ve faced the fear, tumbled through the air, had no clue and am now feeling more in control (as much as I can!) back on the ground. I have hypothyroid, I know what it is, what I can do to help myself more, steps I can take if symptoms flare-up. I know there are people out there I can contact if I need support.

Would I do another bungee jump? NO! Absolutely not, it was the most terrifying experience of my life to date. I’m proud of myself and glad I can say I did it, but I did not enjoy any of it. Except for the staff! The staff were amazing, their people skills, organisation and attention to detail were spectacular.

Plus, not to forget the main reason I did it, I’m not sure on an exact total yet but I’ve raised at least £300 for Thyroid UK. Hopefully, that will double as the company I work or do a charity £4£ scheme. So that makes it all worthwhile!

Has emotional brain recovered? Yeah, she’s talking to me again; I did have to bribe her though by promising the next thing I book will be a spa day!

Thanks to Angela Lewis for filming it. https://oddsocktree.co.uk

You can still donate at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/keeley-pearson

And check out some of the amazing work Thyroid UK does at http://www.thyroiduk.org/

Guess who forgot to take their thyroid medication?!! Yep!

Three weeks tomorrow. At 11:56 (very specific I know) I take the big leap. This has come around fast! It doesn’t seem five minutes that I was booking it in December and here it is, approaching as fast as the ground will be on the day.

Not going to lie, I’m scared stiff. Five anxiety dreams so far. Did I mention I’m afraid of heights? No? Well, yeah I am. Though I guess if I wasn’t it wouldn’t be too big a challenge. No one can accuse me of not pushing myself! (might need pushing on the day though).

The photo below is roughly the height of the jump. I couldn’t look to take that photo, had to stand with my back to the drop and just aim my phone in the general direction. On the day I’ll be stood on that ledge! My stomach is tensing up and turning just thinking about it.

I will do it though.

A great reminder as to why I’m doing it happened last Saturday when this numpty forgot to take her meds. 

Saturday morning and the alarm goes off at 6:25 as it was my plan to do some overtime. Usually, I take my tablets first thing, my routine is hit the snooze button followed by the tablets, then fall back asleep. Not quite sure what happened this day but I recall hitting snooze, I then recall lying there debating whether or not to get up and log on or stay in bed (it was a lengthy conversation I had with myself). After snooze got hit two more times (sorry snooze) I got up and went downstairs. Logged on. I logged off half an hour later as none of the systems were running! Yep should have listened to my intuition saying “stay in bed”.

I had arranged to meet a friend for lunch at 1, so I got some jobs done around the flat, packed a bag of books and old clothes to drop off at the charity shop and headed into town about 11:30 with the aim of running a few errands. It struck me as I was walking to the bus stop. I haven’t taken my tablets.

The onset of chronic fatigue is an odd sensation to try and describe. Try and imagine how a phone feels as the battery percentage goes down and it knows there isn’t a charger available for a few hours, but it has to keep its-self going. The energy first started to leave my legs, I got on the bus telling myself I’ll manage. I’ll make it for lunch then head home straight away. Na, sat on the bus I felt my legs getting weaker, followed by my arms, great idea to take a bag full of books to the charity shop Keeley!

To look at me you would have thought I was fine, it was still the early stages of the fatigue after all, but by now I was also aware I was zoning out and wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation in and hours’ time. Stumbling off the bus on auto-pilot the charity shop my destination. The bags were dropped off, I turned and got back on the same bus to head home, getting a bemused look off the driver as I crumbled into a seat. It felt like the longest bus journey ever. By the time I arrived at my stop, it was uncomfortable to walk and raising my arms was out of the question, so actually getting off the bus was a challenge in its-self.

A very slow, probably looking a bit like a drunk zombie, walk back to my flat and I take my tablets. I contemplated cancelling lunch and just collapsing on the sofa for the day but I knew I should be back to some form of normal in an hour. So I head back out and onto another bus.

It did take an hour for my arms to come fully back to life, roughly two for my legs to begin feeling alive again and for me to be fully focussed. The phone had finally been plugged in.

On a scale of 0-100%, I would say I went down to about 70-75% that day (I’m usually around 90%) I know from the Thyroid research I’ve done and reading others experiences some are functioning everyday below that. How they do it I have no idea. I do know though that it’s no way to live and no one should have to.

Another thing I’ll be keeping in mind on the day is all the overwhelming feedback I’ve had. Since I wrote about my experience the love has been amazing. Just a few of the comments are;

“I just had to fight back tears reading that, you are so strong to live through it all.”

“You are an inspirational young lady who is brave or barking mad not quite sure which it is to be doing a bungee jump. I’m very proud of you. You are AMAZING!!!!”

“OMG gosh I would never have guessed of your silent condition, girl power to you our kid.”

“It really is something people aren’t aware of, so well done you on spreading the word and talking about it”

The responses have made me, cry, smile and feel something I don’t usually, confident. As I said totally overwhelmed, this I honestly wasn’t expecting so it’s making it all worthwhile.

Well the next time I mention my thyroid on here will be after I’ve done the leap 😄 Look out for my review of the day, and follow me on my social media for updates and photos throughout the day.

Oh and I now have one of these! Thought it probably best, so don’t worry I won’t forget my meds on the day!

   

Why I'm jumping - Part two

The early 70s and Emily, my Great Grandma, is being visited by her granddaughter Linda. Emily has had two operations and radiation treatment due to an overactive thyroid. She looks skeletal due to the weight loss despite a hearty appetite. Emily passed away in 1978. It was old age but possible sped up due to the thyroid complications.

Fast forward to 1990 and Linda, my Mum, has now been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. It began with constant fatigue and weight gain. We’re not talking a gradual weight gain but a stone a month over a few months and this is despite being active and eating what would be classed as a healthy, balanced diet. Blood tests were run and nothing came back. Also, abnormal cells were found during a routine smear test and her periods began to alternate from being very heavy to missed completely. Eventually, a diagnosis of underactive thyroid was made. The battle continued, fatigue and weight don’t improve, early menopause, sleep issues, brain fog just to name a few of her many symptoms.

I knew she wasn’t well back then but I was 13 so was more preoccupied doing what 13-year-olds did in 1990! I remember visiting Mum multiple times in hospital whilst tests were being run, my Nan coming to stay with me and my brother till she was back home, but I didn’t really understand. I also remember my Mum saying “I hope this ends at me or even skips a generation so I don’t have to see my kids go through it.” It’s only as an adult I understand what she means.

Fast forward to 2007, Mum’s words fully resonated with me, and my thyroid decided “Nope! Not skipping you mate!” Cheers thyroid.

The first symptoms I remember were heart palpitations and a constant tremor of my hands. I did the usual of putting it down to stress. I’m the sort of person who has to be really ill before I consider seeing the Doctor and taking time off work, so I just carried on as usual and thought it would pass! “Nope, still here!” Okay Thyroid, I know!

Some days the tremor was manageable but other days not so, friends wouldn’t let me carry drinks as they would be more likely to end up all over me! Anxiety attacks kicked in, I remember having a meltdown in Asda due to them moving the red pepper. The simple act of a shop having a re-arrange resulted in me frantically wondering the shop, not being able to see it and leaving the store with nothing but a racing heart and fighting back tears. Eating out became a problem. Finger foods were not bad but try eating a meal with a knife and fork when your hands shake uncontrollably, same as the drinks, it was all down me! People naturally stare as well; I was aware of folks watching which in turn added to the anxiety. So now I’m thinking, time to book the Doctor! I wanted a T-shirt that said ‘I’m ill, I’m not an alcoholic’.

Doing my usual of going into the Doctor and saying ‘sorry to disturb you but…’ I listed my symptoms which by this time were anxiety, always boiling hot, heart palpitations, a swollen neck leading to difficulty swallowing, sleep difficulties and the tremors. Blood tests were run and it eventually came back as an overactive thyroid. I was given beta blockers and carbimazole and booked back in a few months to see how I was getting on. At this point, I felt the calm and relief you get with a diagnosis. Great I now know what I’m dealing with and I can begin to do something about it, I’m not going mad!! Yay!!

Got to say the medication worked! I felt fine again. After about a year though I was told my thyroid levels were back normal and taken off the medication.

I was fine for a few years, and I didn’t really think about it if I’m honest, then in 2011, it came back with a vengeance. The tremors were the first symptom, at least this time I know what it was. So back on the tablets and referred back to Endocrinology. Here I was advised that due to its return I should go down the radioiodine treatment route and if this didn’t work my thyroid would need to be removed. Either way, I would end up with an underactive thyroid for life.

Now, this is the part of my story where hindsight comes in. At this time, I confess I hadn’t done much research, I knew the basics, but I didn’t look into any alternative routes. I was a young woman making normal plans, not expecting to have to research a life-changing condition. Who does?

So I have Morpheus offering me the red or the blue pill, either way, it’s going to be life changing for me and I’ll never be the same again. So I swallowed that radioactive pill in 2012. I recall the tablet being large and given to me in a sealed metal cup, roughly the size of a travel mug, the pill came out of a sort of metal straw at the top. Once I had swallowed it the Nurse kept a few feet away from me as I was now radioactive. I class it as my quarantine period as due to the high level of radiation I had to be signed off work for two weeks and stay in my flat because I could have adversely affected fertile and pregnant women. I did have a friend visit and bring me cookies which I was grateful for as even this introvert was starting to go stir crazy towards the end. After two weeks of taking it, I felt the onset of underactive symptoms.

A list of symptoms I now battle with are fatigue/tiredness (no matter how much sleep you get and an inability to wake up), unstable body temperature (I’m either boiling hot or freezing), IBS (not knowing if you’ll be constipated or have diarrhoea from one day to the next affects your way of living, too much information sorry!), aching joints, muscle cramps, carpel tunnel syndrome, slow heart rate, anxiety, vertigo, depression, brain fog, slurred speech and forgetting words. And these are on a good day! There is also weight gain, I am now following the Weight Watchers plan and have so far managed to lose 1 stone. It’s slow going, but it’s going!

Another symptom that has recently kicked in now I’ve hit my 40s is perimenopause. Yay!!! More hormone imbalance and hot flashes to add to the already irregular body temperature! Too much information (again!) sorry but my menstrual cycle is all over the place, I use to be as regular as clockwork but now have no idea what to expect from one month to the next. I have since discovered a link between thyroid, radioiodine and early menopause like I said, hindsight! But again, who expects to have to research a life-changing condition?

This is my present but I also have a living representation of how my life could be as I grow older, my Mum. Now in her 70s she still struggles daily, more so than I do, along with her thyroid medication she is now also diabetic and takes morphine to get her through the day. Are they all connected to thyroid? Some research I’ve read says yes they are but I don’t know for sure. All we know is the list of symptoms grows each year in marked contrast to her peer group.

I think I have the right to be scared, and I am. I get up, do a full-time job, paint, have piano lessons, occasionally go jogging and socialise with friends. I put on that brave face but underneath I’m aware that at any given point my symptoms could flare up and prevent me from doing any of this. Yes, I’m scared that one gland in my neck has so much power.

 As well as the physical symptoms it has also had an effect on how I think about relationships. What if they want children? Many women conceive and carry a child to term fine with a thyroid disorder, but the number who don’t is a lot higher. Unable to get pregnant or miscarry is common. Add in my age and beginning early menopause means my chances of becoming a Mum are now pretty slim. So it’s not ended with my Mum, but perhaps it will with me? Am I at peace with this? This is the first time I’ve written this fact down and not going to lie, I’m now crying. All I know is the choice was taken away from me and that was hard to accept!

All of these factors change how I view a potential partner – am I being selfish? But I feel going into a relationship, it wouldn’t be fair on him. I also feel it wouldn’t be fair to go into a relationship only to suddenly become iller. I watch my friends date, part of me envies their normality about it but I smile and listen to their stories and help them choose that perfect dress for their upcoming date all the while knowing this so-called normality is denied to me due to my body and the condition that lurks in every corner and affects each day. Naturally, he would be told about my thyroid, I would be honest from the outset if I did meet someone and it looked like he was going to be in my life in some way, and then I guess it’s up to him. At what point though do you discuss all this? Over starters on date one or date number six. “I’d like a white wine please and oh by the way I have a critical illness and most likely can’t have children” Not exactly a good opener. So I think I find it easier to remain single at the moment so none of this is also put onto another person.

Now a lot of people will be thinking ‘we all feel tired/down/anxious/etc. every now and again’ Yes I know, I was one who use to think like this, but I can assure you it’s nothing like living with this daily, It’s like your body has a conversation before you wake up and they all decide which symptoms are going to be present that day, a good day is only a couple surface, a bad day is most of them show up to the picnic.

I now take 125mcg of Levothyroxine daily, I’ll be on this medication for the rest of my life. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning (literally) and the stark reality is I could even be dead within the year.

So, Thyroid – Yes I live with it, or it lives with me. It doesn’t define me, I won’t let it, I still enjoy life and want to be the best version of me but I know some days are tough. With that in mind, I foolishly said yeah I’ll do a bungee jump to raise money and awareness for Thyroid UK. I’d like to say wine was involved as I hate heights but I decided this on a cold Thursday morning. It requires me to leave the flat, socialise and worst I can’t do it in my PJs! But it’ll be fun (if I say it often enough I might believe it!)

Here’s the donation link if you feel able to help, or you can just wait for the photos of my terrified smile as I land! 

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/keeley-pearson

© Keeley Pearson 

And I would like to thank Angela Lewis for taking the time to edit and ghostwrite some of the more emotional bits for me. You can check out Angela's work here. https://oddsocktree.co.uk/ 

Why I'm jumping - Part one

August 31 seems to be hurtling towards me at an alarming speed, that’s the day I’ll be doing the bungee jump in aid of Thyroid UK. So on that day, it will be me hurtling towards the ground at an alarming speed!

So who are Thyroid UK? What is the thyroid? What does it do? Or in my case (and many others case) what doesn’t it do?

I’m not a doctor or nurse, I do have an Anatomy and Physiology qualification, as needed for me to practice as a Colour Therapist but don’t worry this isn’t going to be a complicated medical description! It’s going to be explained as simply as possible!

What is the thyroid and what does it do?

The thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland found in the neck, just below the Adam’s apple. It produces two hormones, T3 and T4, which are released into the blood to travel to every cell and organ in the body. Yep, every single call and organ, so these two hormones are highly important. They influence the metabolism of your whole body, not just weight as some think.

If the gland secretes too much hormone the cells and organs work faster, this can result in anxiety, heart palpitations, weight loss, diarrhoea, this is just to name a few. This is hyperthyroidism.

On the other hand, if not enough hormone is released the body slows down, so weight gain, fatigue, constipation, brain fog and always cold are a few symptoms. This is hypothyroidism. These symptoms are just the tip of the iceberg, there are plenty more!

For a more in-depth description, you can do a quick google search, as you can guess I could go on for ages.

Thyroid UK is a charity organisation founded in 1998, their mission statement is…

"Providing information and resources to promote effective diagnosis and appropriate treatment for people with thyroid disorders in the UK"

Over the years they have been fundamental in gathering information and making it available to thyroid warriors all over the UK, they offer a support network to patients and do fundraising so further research into thyroid conditions and treatment can be obtained.

Sadly, still today patients suffer, they are either miss diagnosed, under medicated and in quite a few cases not even believed “it’s all in your head”, “we all feel tired sometimes”, “you just need to lose weight” are just a few of the things said, and this comes from a lot of GPs! I class myself as one of the lucky ones, I had visible symptoms, people who have more internal symptoms take much longer to get the urgent treatment needed.

Untreated this can be life threatening! One lady I met through a Thyroid Facebook group wasn’t taken seriously until she was in a coma! Yes, really!

So the continues funding and vital work of Thyroid UK is needed. Not only for the research and fighting to get patients heard and treated, but for the network, and hope, they give us. It’s through them I discovered I’m not alone and that there is life after treatment, I can have a future.

http://www.thyroiduk.org/index.html

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/keeley-pearson