Justice - October

The scales for Libra season, how apt! The beginning of autumn when days get shorter, nature transforms into rich colours and we begin to start getting more cosy with layers and heating. It's also the time to begin reflecting on the year that's passed. Justice asks you to be honest with yourself. This card shows two fairies in a lush forest looking up at a sword, Excalibur. Both fairies are holding the scales, balancing and weighing up options and the truth.

Ensure you look at all options this month, get all sides of a story and situation before you make any decisions. Aim to be as impartial as possible where you can.

Also, remember to trust the guidance that is given to you. As the fairies look to the sword and scales, look to your guides and ask them to reveal what is true for you at this time. Take note of what they give you and stand by it.

The Jump! - The Fool to the Hanged Man

“It doesn’t look as bad as I thought.” She tried to tell herself. She wasn’t convincing anyone, 160ft is 160ft no matter how much you try to tell yourself it isn’t.

Looking back, the events of the day are already a blur due to me disassociating for a lot of it, so I have to say a huge thanks to my friends who came along and filmed/photographed my terrifying experience!

It wasn’t until hours after the jump and I was safely sat on my friends’ sofa tucking into Chinese and guzzling wine that it dawned on me, the bungee jump could be a metaphor for my critical illness journey. What? I know…bear with me. Let me explain and take you through it in stages.

On arrival I didn’t feel too bad, my stomach was in knots as can be expected but despite knowing what I was about to do I felt okay.

Then I saw the crane.

It’s about this time I tried to convince myself that it doesn’t look as bad as I thought. Yeah right! So in metaphor land, the crane was me noticing my first symptoms. Trying to act all relaxed but thinking “What the hell??” Filling the agreement and insurance form in during registration was tricky due to my hands now shaking. Those who read my earlier piece about living with Hypothyroidism will possibly remember one of my first symptoms was hand tremors. So it was quite apt that this was also my first visible symptom of fear.

The hand tremors increased the closer I got to the front of the queue, my legs decided to join in as well as they felt left out. The logical side of my brain was watching everyone else jumping before me and kindly still trying to convince me “it doesn’t look too bad, you’re safe, and it will be over in another ten minutes” etc. etc. The emotional side had disassociated by now and we were no longer on speaking terms. Finally, I’m at the front of the queue, it’s me next. I have the harness around my ankles, a back-up around my waist and suddenly I feel calm. This is the calm before the storm, it’s all suddenly surreal and dream-like.

Sitting in the cage I’m aware that Dan (staff)  is speaking to me and I sort of recall what he’s saying but I couldn’t give you a word by word transcript. The cage begins its ascent. This is the stage of my journey where I’m having tests and blood is being drawn from me like the vampire population have a shortage. This is the stage of not knowing, something is definitely wrong but what?

I’m aware Dan is still speaking to me; logical brain is sort of paying attention but is now also not on speaking terms with me. Emotional brain currently hates me and is observing how angry, amazing the wind sounds up here. Even the elements are telling me I’m crazy!

I was trying to remember the advice from one of my favourite bands, Artmagic, when they sing ‘Don’t look up, don’t look down’ but failed. My eyes involuntarily flicked down. Oh dear, breathe, remember to breathe! It sounds like a cliché but as I stepped up to the edge everything happened in slow motion, it was a suspended (no pun intended) reality. I can’t recall experiencing disassociation before and it’s an odd thing to describe. Words that come to mind are surreal, numb, emotionless, and empty. It wasn’t me who stood on that edge and let themselves drop, no idea who it was but I wasn’t there at this point. So in my journey metaphor, this is the doctor giving me the test results and me being stunned with the news that I now have a critical illness for life. I was numb, had no idea what was really going on, what did it mean? All I could do was trust and let myself free fall. This is what I did.

Oh my god! That was the fastest I have ever travelled! The video doesn’t do the height or the speed of the fall justice.  I never want to go that fast again. I was brave and kept my eyes open, the sight of people below getting bigger and the ground hurtling towards me was suddenly halted as the cord grabbed me, stopped my decent and bounced me back into the air again. A brief moment of relief that disappeared as I blinked, I was falling again. The world spun around fast as I bounced up and down for what felt like an eternity. The fall fits in with getting diagnosed. I had to trust, let it take me where it wanted to, I wasn’t in control my thyroid and the doctors were. I had no idea what was going on, what was happening and where I would end up. The journey was by no means over.

“Please be over, please be over, let it end” are words I was thinking, whether they came from logical or emotional brain I can’t tell you. Probably both!  I still felt numb, empty and was still experiencing the process in a trance. Suddenly everything slowed down, I and everything around me was silent and still.

A hand. I saw a hand! I instinctively reached for it and suddenly the grounds staff had me! As I was being lowered onto the safety mat and they began to un-hock me the sounds gradually crept back in, the whirring of the crane, the music from the registration/photo tent, people talking, a lovely member of staff telling me I was great, relax, it’s all done now. Not the wind, the wind had given up screaming at me as I dropped off the platform. I’m aware I have to move along for the next person to land, even though the staff told me I was allowed to lie there as long as I needed. Logical brain was back and saying just move! So I got myself up, thanked the staff and went shakily to find my photos with my friends who were beaming at me. Emotional brain still had her back to me.

Metaphorically this bit of the journey is when I discovered I wasn’t alone. As I looked into my illness by reading books and online searches, I came across Thyroid UK, Facebook groups, Twitter pages and bloggers. This was the relief that there are those who went before me and landed and there will be ones who fall after me. We’re all in this together.

So back on the ground and a few minutes have passed. It did take a while for me to be fully back in my body, I had to sit down and compose myself. I’m aware I was babbling to my friends, like before I can’t tell you what I was saying! Logical brain was back in control as I went to get the photos and t-shirt. The photos aren’t my most majestic and don’t think they’ll use them on publicity posters!

This is where I am now. I’ve faced the fear, tumbled through the air, had no clue and am now feeling more in control (as much as I can!) back on the ground. I have hypothyroid, I know what it is, what I can do to help myself more, steps I can take if symptoms flare-up. I know there are people out there I can contact if I need support.

Would I do another bungee jump? NO! Absolutely not, it was the most terrifying experience of my life to date. I’m proud of myself and glad I can say I did it, but I did not enjoy any of it. Except for the staff! The staff were amazing, their people skills, organisation and attention to detail were spectacular.

Plus, not to forget the main reason I did it, I’m not sure on an exact total yet but I’ve raised at least £300 for Thyroid UK. Hopefully, that will double as the company I work or do a charity £4£ scheme. So that makes it all worthwhile!

Has emotional brain recovered? Yeah, she’s talking to me again; I did have to bribe her though by promising the next thing I book will be a spa day!

Thanks to Angela Lewis for filming it. https://oddsocktree.co.uk

You can still donate at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/keeley-pearson

And check out some of the amazing work Thyroid UK does at http://www.thyroiduk.org/

Two of Autumn - September

She flies amongst the leaves and flowers, juggling magic balls of light. The fairy isn’t stressed, she’s relaxed, in control and enjoying it. She’s making it playful.

If you have a lot coming up this month, know that you’re in control. When more appears to be being thrown your way by work, family or just life challenges, remain calm and remember that you have everything in hand.

Be careful though. At work, you have to take on what is handed to you, but outside of work ensure you only agree to the activities you enjoy. If it’s not fun, creating joy or making you excited drop the ball. There’s no point in burning yourself out taking on extra that doesn’t make you happy.

Guess who forgot to take their thyroid medication?!! Yep!

Three weeks tomorrow. At 11:56 (very specific I know) I take the big leap. This has come around fast! It doesn’t seem five minutes that I was booking it in December and here it is, approaching as fast as the ground will be on the day.

Not going to lie, I’m scared stiff. Five anxiety dreams so far. Did I mention I’m afraid of heights? No? Well, yeah I am. Though I guess if I wasn’t it wouldn’t be too big a challenge. No one can accuse me of not pushing myself! (might need pushing on the day though).

The photo below is roughly the height of the jump. I couldn’t look to take that photo, had to stand with my back to the drop and just aim my phone in the general direction. On the day I’ll be stood on that ledge! My stomach is tensing up and turning just thinking about it.

I will do it though.

A great reminder as to why I’m doing it happened last Saturday when this numpty forgot to take her meds. 

Saturday morning and the alarm goes off at 6:25 as it was my plan to do some overtime. Usually, I take my tablets first thing, my routine is hit the snooze button followed by the tablets, then fall back asleep. Not quite sure what happened this day but I recall hitting snooze, I then recall lying there debating whether or not to get up and log on or stay in bed (it was a lengthy conversation I had with myself). After snooze got hit two more times (sorry snooze) I got up and went downstairs. Logged on. I logged off half an hour later as none of the systems were running! Yep should have listened to my intuition saying “stay in bed”.

I had arranged to meet a friend for lunch at 1, so I got some jobs done around the flat, packed a bag of books and old clothes to drop off at the charity shop and headed into town about 11:30 with the aim of running a few errands. It struck me as I was walking to the bus stop. I haven’t taken my tablets.

The onset of chronic fatigue is an odd sensation to try and describe. Try and imagine how a phone feels as the battery percentage goes down and it knows there isn’t a charger available for a few hours, but it has to keep its-self going. The energy first started to leave my legs, I got on the bus telling myself I’ll manage. I’ll make it for lunch then head home straight away. Na, sat on the bus I felt my legs getting weaker, followed by my arms, great idea to take a bag full of books to the charity shop Keeley!

To look at me you would have thought I was fine, it was still the early stages of the fatigue after all, but by now I was also aware I was zoning out and wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation in and hours’ time. Stumbling off the bus on auto-pilot the charity shop my destination. The bags were dropped off, I turned and got back on the same bus to head home, getting a bemused look off the driver as I crumbled into a seat. It felt like the longest bus journey ever. By the time I arrived at my stop, it was uncomfortable to walk and raising my arms was out of the question, so actually getting off the bus was a challenge in its-self.

A very slow, probably looking a bit like a drunk zombie, walk back to my flat and I take my tablets. I contemplated cancelling lunch and just collapsing on the sofa for the day but I knew I should be back to some form of normal in an hour. So I head back out and onto another bus.

It did take an hour for my arms to come fully back to life, roughly two for my legs to begin feeling alive again and for me to be fully focussed. The phone had finally been plugged in.

On a scale of 0-100%, I would say I went down to about 70-75% that day (I’m usually around 90%) I know from the Thyroid research I’ve done and reading others experiences some are functioning everyday below that. How they do it I have no idea. I do know though that it’s no way to live and no one should have to.

Another thing I’ll be keeping in mind on the day is all the overwhelming feedback I’ve had. Since I wrote about my experience the love has been amazing. Just a few of the comments are;

“I just had to fight back tears reading that, you are so strong to live through it all.”

“You are an inspirational young lady who is brave or barking mad not quite sure which it is to be doing a bungee jump. I’m very proud of you. You are AMAZING!!!!”

“OMG gosh I would never have guessed of your silent condition, girl power to you our kid.”

“It really is something people aren’t aware of, so well done you on spreading the word and talking about it”

The responses have made me, cry, smile and feel something I don’t usually, confident. As I said totally overwhelmed, this I honestly wasn’t expecting so it’s making it all worthwhile.

Well the next time I mention my thyroid on here will be after I’ve done the leap 😄 Look out for my review of the day, and follow me on my social media for updates and photos throughout the day.

Oh and I now have one of these! Thought it probably best, so don’t worry I won’t forget my meds on the day!

   

King of Spring - August

A fairy King stood in front of his throne, he’s not sat down relaxed but stood ready to take action. He’s in a garden abundant with grapes, flowers and bee hives. Dressed in white, gold and red he is a striking confident figure, holding a lit wand ready to light the way.

This is a month where you are encouraged to take action. Everything you begin and put your mind to will be a success if you believe and take the necessary steps needed. Let your confidence shine.

Don’t be afraid to show off your achievements, what are you proud of? There’s going to be something for everyone. Art, writing, music, empathy, sport, leading. The list can go on, what is your superpower? Own it.

We live in a world that encourages us to dim our sparkle. Let’s all make a decision not to fade going forward. We all have different talents and gifts. It’s time to show them off and be proud of who we are!

Nine of Winter - July

A beautiful scene with sad energy. The fairy is sat up in bed, unable to sleep, a sword and shield on the floor within easy reach, two doves nesting under her bed. The green curtains are pulled back as she looks out at the full moon, the road outside the window leading to an unknown location.

This month’s energy may lead to some uncertainty and worry. The fairy is concentrating only on the moon, it illuminates but not enough for her to see clearly at present, due to this she’s missing the path which could lead to new insight.

She is worrying and not sleeping, but there is no immediate danger, the sword and shield are in easy reach but she doesn’t need them. There are also doves beneath her which she has not spotted choosing only to focus on the moon, and not what she has.

Try not to over think this month and make an attempt to not focus only on any negativity that may be going on. This can sometimes be hard. But try to remember you have more than likely got through difficult times before and you can do again.

Know that if you need help there is protection available, be it family, friends, colleagues, we all have someone even if you may not see it. Likewise, you may not see the full path yet or where it leads but there is a route that can be taken.

Princess of Autumn - June

We see the Princess of Autumn surrounded by books (my dream!) There are two books open as she
absorbs the knowledge and stories around her, she is also reaching out to a coin, possible so she can
add it to the pile on the table.

She doesn’t look all that cheerful, it’s as though she was in a good chapter and then interrupted. Or, she’s being distracted by the shiny coin that’s to the side of her, so is allowing other things to pull her off course.

Is this you? Do you get going with a creative venture, begin research, work on a goal, and then get
distracted by something else that might not be as important or worthy of your time. I’ll say the
word…procrastination! I know I’m guilty of this, let’s be honest most of us are.
Be honest with yourself. Can you be spending your time more wisely? Sometimes having a chilled
weekend watching Netflix is what’s needed, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life doing that every weekend? The answer is probably no.

So this month, meditate on what is truly important to you. It could be anything, seeing family and
friends more, painting, taking up yoga or a musical instrument, beginning a new class. What makes
your soul sing? Once you know, do more of it! Schedule it in and ensure you stick to it!