Rediscovering my creative mojo. (How do I find a muse?)

 I’ve always said that I could write a book about procrastination, but I’m to busy procrastinating to get it started, and finished! Seriously I was meant to write this blog last weekend but somehow didn’t. What did I do instead? I have no idea! Oh, I did add some photos of my paintings to a Facebook craft fair album and I planned out the colour of the week notes. So, I wasn’t 100% idle.

So, I’ve been thinking, why do I procrastinate? I know what I want to do, write a book, paint, create a deck of oracle cards, so why do I then sit on the sofa scrolling through social media and do daft personality tests such as “What crystal are you?” or “Would you survive in a horror film?”. The answers to which are Jasper and yes, I would survive. Good to know.

On honest reflection I believe I stop myself because of imposter syndrome. Deep down I have the belief that my art and writing aren’t good enough. Especially my writing. I’ve sold paintings online and at craft fairs over the years, so the little voice asking, “why are you bothering?” has begun to be more silent in that respect. But writing. That voice is still there loud and clear.

“But you’re not a good writer.”

“What have you got to say that anyone will be interested in?”

“Who do you think you are? JK Rowling, Shakespeare?”

“Who’s going to read it?”

Thanks to my lovely inner critic I decided to investigate where these thoughts/beliefs came from, I wasn’t born with them, so I picked them up along this journey of life somewhere.

I was always that pupil at school who use to fill her English books with poems and short stories. I was lucky to have English teachers who didn’t mind this, (shout out to Mr. Mayne and Mrs. Osman) saying they would leave my book till last when marking so they could relax and read at the end of the day. I welcomed the constructive feedback they gave “describe the atmosphere more here.” “I want to know this character’s back story.” It was massive help in my learning and a great introduction to the world of re-drafting.

Therefore, I’m still not sure where the negative thoughts come from. In my quest to delve deeper I came across a Tarot spread looking at creative blocks. Out came the cards to give it a go. The following is what I got.

Card 1 - My ideal creative self. 8 of Wands. I want to be someone who just goes for it, letting inspiration guide me, trusting the path and process. Someone who steps forward confidently. It’s a red card, so I want to be someone who is secure in their ability and knowledge.

Card 2 - My creative block. 3 of Swords. A lack of confidence, beating myself up and not feeling good enough, so self-sabotage. Why start at all? Holding on to past hurts and negativity. It’s yellow so I’m lacking confidence to just go for it.

Card 3 - Past influences/beliefs. Knight of Swords. I’m over thinking it so not starting at all, or I rush in without thinking first and end up then asking myself “what is this?” Harsh comments from the past are possibly still lingering deep down as well. A blue card so I’m not fully speaking my truth due to self-doubt. What do I want to say?

Card 4 - Fears about the future. 10 of Wands. Am I good enough? Imposter syndrome! Hello again. Also, a fear of success, where will it take me? Yellow, again a fear of not being good enough, but also change. By being more authentic and having the guts to jump in saying sod it, I no longer care what others think, what will I evolve into?

Card 5 - My creative sweet spot (what allows me to create effortlessly?). Judgement. Letting go of self-judgement and trusting myself. I feel I have always produced my best work when I just do it for me, for fun. I forget about an audience and let go of questions about what others will think. I just get the paints out or write for myself and let my inner child have fun. Violet. Let my creative guides guide me, trust the process and trust what comes to me.

Card 6 - What I must leave behind. Queen of Cups. Feelings of past hurts need to be let go. Also don’t be so emotional about it, as for me this leads to over thinking. When I over think I don’t start creating at all. Indigo. Let go of not trusting myself and my intuition. When given ideas act on them rather than worry whether I can do it.

Card 7 - What I must embrace to reclaim my creative power. The World. Believe that I can do it, I have all the skills and knowledge I need and I’m worthy. I’m already enough. This card has all the colours, so this is being balanced. Get myself into positive alignment and just start.

Thank you, Tarot, for that insight.

So, in answer to my inner critic!

“But you’re not a good writer.” I’m aware of my limitations, I don’t have a huge vocabulary range for example and grammar Nazi’s can sometimes have a field day with me. But the best thing about this is I know what my limitations are so I can keep improving. The more I create the better I’ll become.

“What have you got to say that anyone will be interested in?” Who knows? I’m just having fun here, if others like it great, if not that’s fine.

“Who do you think you are? JK Rowling, Shakespeare?”  Na, I write totally different to them. I also don’t paint like Van Gogh or Picasso. I paint and write as Keeley. It’s not everyone’s taste but then Shakespeare and JK Rowling aren’t everyone’s taste either, so there’s no issue.

“Who’s going to read it?”  No idea! Perhaps someone will stumble upon it and think this is interesting and perhaps another will move by thinking this isn’t for me. Both are fine. It will be found by whoever needs it. Perhaps my old English teachers will stumble across it and smile knowing they made a difference to a child. Perhaps no one, and that’s fine too, I’m still going to enjoy creating!

I’ve also stumbled across a course on www.dailyom.com called Discover Your Creative Writing Compass. This has so far given me a lot of insight and I’m only on lesson two. I’ll tell you more about how it’s going in the future.

Having already begun to change my way of thinking, I’m going to become that young girl again who would fill her English book with random stories and poems, simply because she enjoyed it. Where it takes me? Who knows, the mystery is going to be an enjoyable part of the journey. 

2020 (bye!), New Year and the Six of Cups.

 

Happy New Year to you all. I hope you’ve had a safe, healthy and happy season, even though it’s been a weird one for us! I think it’s safe to say 2020 was an unexpected rollercoaster.

On reflection I would say mine was rather good. Back before lockdown I got to visit a video location of my favourite band, Suede 😊 I think the smile says it all, it’s just a bridge to most but to me it’s an iconic location! If you want to check it out search Suede “The Drowners” on YouTube. Also note the pre lockdown great hair before the huge mistake of bleaching it!

I then moved in with a friend (managed it with two days to spare before lockdown kicked in back in March), this is so I can save for a mortgage and get my own place, bless her I’ll be eternally grateful that she let me do this.

The rest of the year was spent, like everyone else in lockdown and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. For us two introverts though not much else seemed different. I now have a garden, we spent most of the summer landscaping it and I now live with four beautiful, fluffy cats (they’ve been noisily zooming round the living room whilst I’m typing this!) Me and my housemate have however changed our names to Bernard and Manni (characters from the TV series Black Books) as that’s what we’ve both morphed into. I’m Manni if you’re wondering!

So, 2021, hello. Bernard and I have set ourselves some SMART goals for the year. One of mine is to blog more! 😂To start writing and painting again more regularly, save for a mortgage deposit (obviously), and to fully embrace the hippie, witchy me. My ‘more regular blogs’ will let you know of my progress.

The tarot spread for this year has eight major arcana! Yes, eight so lots of change and high energy is in store. The first card, and overall theme for the year ahead is Strength. So, whatever happens we can deal with. We need to let the year guide us to where we need to go, grow and have confidence in ourselves.

January’s card is the Six of Cups.

I love her! She is so mysterious. To me it looks like she has stepped through a portal, is she coming or going though? And where has she been, where is she trying to get to? Perhaps these are questions we need to ask ourselves right now, where do you want to be? If you’re not there yet what can you do to work out how to get there?

SMART goals were mentioned earlier, perhaps this will help you get a plan together. Note down where you want to be at the end of 2021 and give yourself steps, they don’t have to be big, small progress is still progress.

You need to hold yourself accountable though, only you can do this. The woman could find herself wondering in circles, going through door after door but never getting to her destination. Try not to fall into this cycle.

On that note I'm off to practice my own advice and get creating and planning! With a break to watch the new years day Doctor Who special of course! 😍 Have a great January.

Princess of Wands - December

 

She wonders through the forest with confidence, she knows where she is going and trusts the journey. Surrounded by butterflies and a stag, she is one with nature.

This month is one of growing confidence. It has been a strange year for all of us, lots of changes have been made and for many of us it has been a chance to find ourselves again and realise what is important.

The butterflies represent transformation, how do you want to evolve? We can come out of this stronger if we allow ourselves.

The stag is a strong leader, full of beauty, integrity and grace. Channel his energy as you move forward knowing you can achieve all you put your mind to.

We have the grounding energy of the earth teamed with the fire of the wand. Let the passion and inspiration guide you now whilst trusting you are safe and secure.

Nine of Swords - November

The woman is surrounded by dark clouds, nine swords are suspended above her and could drop at any moment. She looks down into a reflective surface, staring intently at herself, possibly seeking answers.

Look after yourself this month. It has been a difficult year for all of us and it is not over yet. A lot of us are going to be feeling scared, stressed and overwhelmed. Do not try to fight these emotions, do not bottle it up.

Take time to speak with someone you feel safe with, reach out. You are not alone. Connect with your spirit and reflect by meditating, journaling or even getting creative, paint your emotions if you want. No one needs to see it but you.

This is a sacral chakra card, orange. Listen to your gut. Become more aware of your body, what does it want and need? Probably some self-love. Also take note of the foods you eat. Pay attention to nutrition so you stay as healthy as possible.

Six of Cups - October

Is she coming or going? The large, ornate doors behind her are not closed, has she left a room or come back to it? Has her path lead her back to the beginning?

If you have been feeling stuck aim to get moving this Libra season. Like this woman we have all the tools and knowledge needed but can sometimes fall into the trap of over thinking or being too rigid. Do not shut yourself in one room and believe you must stay there doing X, Y and Z. Step out and see what happens.

Also going back to basics can help. Do not over complicate things. Read through course notes again, go back to the beginner’s book. Keeping things simple is allowed.

King of Coins - September

The King sits upon his thrown surrounded by grapes and flowers; he is a picture of security and confidence. Two lions on top of the thrown appear to be reaching for the crown on his head. The card is violet which is connected to the crown chakra.

Focus on your security this Virgo season, believe more is coming your way. Grapes symbolise abundance, growth and inner transformation. Spend this month going within and looking at these areas. Where do you feel secure? Work on the areas you struggle with.

The lions reaching for the crown chakra are saying to me "know yourself". The King is strong in mind; he is secure in his connection to source and has faith in his intuition. Do the same. Sit in meditation and listen to your guides, ask them to work with you and show you ways on how to strengthen this. 

The grapes are also telling me "beware of the grapevine" only listen to your guides, trusted sources and get the full facts before making any conclusions about a subject or person. 

Two of Cups - August

The card shows two people who are very comfortable with each other, there’s no tension between them and they feel free to be who they are. Two cups shine above them creating balance. The card is about partnership and new relationships.

It's an orange card which links to our sacral chakra, this relates to self-respect, body confidence, allowing ourselves freedom to be ourselves and healthy boundaries.

When I turned the card I was told it’s about self-love. Self-love is a recurring theme that I see popping up at the minute; people are discussing it on Twitter, Instagram and in person with friends. Topics have ranged from body dysmorphia, eating disorders and menopause.

Be gentle with yourself, and with others as we never know what someone else is going through. For many the issues above are dealt with in silence and can be there for years before the individual addresses them (I didn't know body dysmorphia was a thing till the Internet came along, I finally had a name for it!).

Reach out to someone if you think they, or you, may be dealing with this. Let's work on helping and allowing these topics to be discussed without fear and judgement. If there isn't a close friend or family member you feel comfortable talking to take steps to find a professional or online groups and forums where you can be more anonymous if you wish. Follow others on social media who speak about their journey. I’ve begun following menopause accounts on Twitter and Instagram for example. Even if you take a while to feel comfortable chatting it’s nice to see that you’re not alone and there are others who would be comfortable listening to you.

So going forward let’s begin treating ourselves and others with compassion.